If you’ve ever lost someone you love, you’ll be familiar with grief. Yet, have you ever felt it before that person dies?
I didn’t notice any grief when my dad died, even though I loved him as much as a daughter could love her dad. He wasn’t remotely ill and passed away so suddenly from a heart attack. It was how he wanted to go and, knowing that, gave me a peaceful grief. A grief of acceptance and letting go, with love.
My mum, on the other hand, has experienced a very slow decline. She has a rare dementia. A neurological condition that basically takes away the use of her body, bit by bit. She has lost her speech, balance and dexterity. Today I wondered what dementia must feel like on the inside. Seeing it from the outside, in someone you love is heartbreakingly sad.
I realised a while back that my sadness over these past few years has been grief. I’ve lost the mother I knew. The chatty, creative baker and reader who always had time to listen and help me in more ways than I could list. The piano player, the existentialist who wondered if we are a grain of sand in another universe. The loving mother who plaited my hair, massaged my face, sewed the holes in my clothes and shared many wonderful holidays with me.
My mum is still very much alive but I know that I’m grieving. I can’t imagine feeling any sadder when she passes away, yet I dare say I will.
The only way I cope with grief is by staying present. Focusing on what I need to do now. Feeling the feelings, then letting them go. I don’t let my mind create stories about how things should be, or why this has happened. It is what it is, as they say. The more we love, the deeper the loss, but we can learn to let people go when we need to, moment by moment.
The Mindful Attitudes are Non-Judging, Gratitude, Patience, a Beginner’s Mind, Trust, Non-Striving, Acceptance, Letting Go, Gratitude and Generosity. We can apply all these to grief. We can stop judging ourselves for feeling it. We can be grateful for the person we are losing or have lost. We can be patient with ourselves, trust the process, not strive to rush it. We can let them go and have a generous depth of compassion for ourselves and our family who may also be struggling.
If you are struggling with grief at the moment, I empathise. Just know that it is something that can be easier with a deeper knowledge of Mindfulness. I can’t tell you how much I’ve relied on it recently, it’s been a life line.
Have a lovely weekend.
Love and joy,
Juliet.